thinkythink

Mommy and Baby Self-Care Checklist

One of the great tips I got as a new parent was the why-is-he-crying list. In other words, when baby (particularly useful for a newborn, but later on as well) is wailing and you don't know what to do, systematically run down the list of things he might need or that might help. This list might look like this:

1. Check diaper
2. Feed.
3. Check skin temp. Too hot? Too cold? Just right?
4. Make sure clothing/diaper isn't rubbing/stuck/etc.
5. Provide movement, by carrying. Or in a sling. Or in a rocking chair. Or in a stroller. Et cetera.
   
6. Change stimulus level: put music on/turn it off
7. Try putting baby down, maybe he needs a little space (again, changing stimulus)
8. Remember to repeat. He may have wet his diaper after step 2, or gotten hungry.

This is just a sample, and it varies a bit by the baby. The funny thing to me is that a lot of adults, particularly those with ADHD, need basically the same list:

1. Go to the bathroom.
2. When did you last eat? Eat something, preferably with protein.
3. Drink some water
4. Is your clothing comfortable?
5. Change your physical state. Walk around or run around or dance around.
6. Put on some music/change the music/make it quiet/ brighter/dimmer.
   
7. Do something different from what you're doing, something more interesting for a little while.
8. Remember to repeat. Eating and peeing once a day isn't really often enough.

Off to change my diaper. I mean the baby's. I think.

I just remembered, he's due for a nap

I was going to entitle this post "working at home with baby," because this morning, my husband and I are both working from home. I work a few partial days per week, while Peter "works" from home. He's the primary go-to parent during those times, and I can schedule clients, but I can also take a break with the baby, nurse him, etc, if I want to.

Now little G. is 6 1/2 months old. That's old enough to entertain himself for a while, if he is so inclined, with toys he can reach for from his recently-achieved sitting stability. So exciting! He can entertain himself! A taste of... being able to hang out with him while doing a little bit of work. Just a tiny tip-of-the-tongue taste, because he is just as likely to want attention, be bounced on a knee, talked to, or rescued from toppling over.

[note: both of us love hanging out with baby and playing. we're just trying to get a thing. or a quarter of a thing done periodically.]

So while I have a brief yet exciting window to do some writing before my next client call, and Peter hopes limply  that he'll finish a desperately needed e-mail, our wee one hangs out in his high chair. And starts to fuss right away. Then I remember the time. No, not the time it is with respect to client scheduling, but the Baby time. It must be baby naptime by now. We both completely forgot about that part. Funny, since it could provide us with glorious e-mailing possibilities. Then again, both of our abilities to forget, say, to eat; my ability to forget I'm in the shower (hence forgetting to get out), and so forth- why am I surprised? Perhaps because the baby spoils me with needed external structure; I can't forget to get out of the shower (he'll fuss); I can forget to eat I suppose, but I've grown used to taking full advantage of the moments he'll let me eat. But one thing he doesn't do is say "hey mom, dad, it's naptime." I need to remember on my very own to run down the list in my head of things-baby-might-fuss-about, and remember all the things on it. And I must remember my list of things-baby-needs in my head. That part? Not so genetically automatic.

Sickly

I'm sick. My eyes are puffed up like I was bitten by spiders and leaking venom, though the neighbors politely claim that I "just look a little tired." How sleep deprived do I usually look, I wonder?

Before I was a Mommy, I didn't understand how people could do stuff like continue to mommy while enveloped by that bone-aching, skin-stinging kind of fluish virus. People said things like, "you just do because you have to,"  adding nothing to my comprehension.

I am now relieved to know that this doing-out-of-necessity isn't some adrenaline-fueled superpower, although I know it would be if the little one were in danger. This is what it looks like:

I sit on couch. Hold baby. Move as little as possible. Weigh need to watch mindless tv with baby's need not to watch tv. Try to rattle rattley toys in front of him. Grunt. Wonder if his language development is being stunted by my lack of speech. Put baby on floor. hold him sitting up between my calves. Shovel pile of toys in front of him. Hope he is amused.
When he's hungry, nurse while lying on the couch, hope he falls asleep. Hold him lying next to me and hope he stays asleep.

I forgot the best part because I was so out of it. Yesterday morning, Peter put the baby next to me in bed to nurse, and sometimes he naps a little extra in the morning that way. Noooooo not yesterday, the day I couldn't see straight. He was aWAKE. He wanted to PLAY. No part of my being was ready for that. I found the minimum that satisfied him: I sat him up next to me and held him there. I think I drifted in and out of sleep while he sat there. I'm not really sure. He did seem to still be sitting there, held in place by these appendages that appeared to be attached to my body.

The doctor says to let her know if my eyes (and Peter's too) are still puffed up like animals with puffy-sticky-out-eyes next week. Great. Given that I'm typing this post, you know it's not quite as bad as yesterday. And the little one even tried out a new food today, so all is well in the universe. Squash! A big hit!

Objects My Baby is in Love With

These objects keep the little one blissful, and distracted. They are objects of awe and joy. It doesn't have to be the big / expensive things in life...

Mola (weaving) on our wall. Gets huge stares.

La Jolla Cove Swim Club sweatshirt (from Aunt Claudia) emblem. Whales rock. Gets much petting and attention.

Mouseymouse, knit by Aunt Wendy. Gets a lot of kisses/time in mouth, and rapt stares.

Boys Toys

Perhaps from the feminism desk, I love this story from the New Scientist :

Male monkeys prefer boys' toys.
Apparently, if you give baby monkeys toys to play with, the boy monkeys prefer trucks and other wheeled vehicles, while girl monkeys go for both dolls/plush toys and vehicles.

So you can stop feeling bad about socializing your boys to play with "boys' toys." That's just what most boys do.

Watch the  awesome video as well. Yeah, I'm a sucker for monkeys, toys, and gender issues.

BPA, Pthalates, am I nuts?

Why am I concerned about all this plastics stuff?

I try to stay low-key about all the safety concerns and toxins concerns. I have enough to take care of. I have enough issues without making up no-buy lists I don't have to. I've seen how hard it is for people who really have to avoid foods and chemicals of various sorts because they are clear causes of health problems in their lives. (sugar/diabetes or citrus/hives or various cosmetics/eczema etc)

For myself and my clients, I do try to maintain a "save yourself before you save the world" attitude. This means: if you can't get organized to get the trash out at ALL, work on waste disposal before you work on recycling that takes extra car trips. Once the house is out of public-health-hazard danger, you'll be more able to think about setting up systems that are as great for the world as can be, and more able to actually have an impact. Similarly, once you've ingested some food on a regular basis, you'll be more able to think about ingesting better food.

And then here come the plastics scares. and I'm a new parent. I'm a new parent with a long (25 year long) history of crazy hormones. Sometimes they call it "PMS and we don't know what else there is to do," sometimes they call it "hormonal dysfunction," and sometimes they call it "PMDD." More about all that later.

There are all kinds of things one can do supposedly to improve PMS symptoms, like drastically change diet, cut out caffeine, bla bla. Never mind whether these things work (I tend to think it's just assumed that they do, because I haven't seen much research that shows that less red meat and no caffeine helps PMS); they ignore the fact that my hormones can mean it's hard to get to the supermarket, let alone cook healthy food. They ignore the fact that caffeine is one of the medicines that helps me cope, and helps me distance from my physical discomfort, helps me focus, and helps me get to the gym, and well, to the store, during the 1/2 of my life I may be sick. Oh no! way to much rant on another topic.

Bisphenol-A, used in plastics since grandmother's childbearing years. A synthetic estrogen. I've been wondering about xenoestrogens and all that for some time in my pursuit of a more even-keeled hormonal life, but thought, well, we've had wicked bad pms in the family going back to at least my grandmother.
Before that might be hard to know; the women were preggo for most of their child-bearing lives. What I do know going back to my grandmother is that menopause is something to look forward to. It's when things get better. I know mine is the worst, but I figured those chemicals and stuff can't be so much of a dramatic issue because the rest of the family has it bad. Until I read the timeline for BPA and its use in polycarbonate and realized I can't know that it isn't an issue.

That along with the finding that phthalates are exreted in infants' urine... and I'm changing a couple of things. Don't get me wrong folks, I am not claiming it will change everything or that these chemicals are the root cause of all that is bad. The thing is, that timeline, made me realize, I just don't know.

So I hope my husband will pardon the apparent obsession; it's hard to track down which products contain and don't contain which chemicals, and I'm just trying to clean things up for the sake of the little one while I'm still passing this stuff on to his tiny body. And who knows, maybe it'll help me too.

Helpful Links:
The Environmental Working Group and their Cosmetics Database (also check out their report on sunscreen, baby product buying guide, etc)

www.thesoftlanding.com  - check out their shop and their blog

zrecs.blogspot.com - check out their blog, and their awesome cellphone texting service to check on products.

Baby Memory

I have memory deficits (as part of my ADHD, and possibly part of my hormonal crap in general.) "In general" being before I was pregnant. 
Mommies are supposed to have "mommy brain," that is they're forgetful. Once the postpartum hormones are equibrilated, this is largely due to sleep deprivation, one would assume. I have the foggy mommy brain, but then I had memory problems before, but it's definitely a bit different.

I'm not sure if my working memory is better or worse with a little baby. Here's what I've noticed:

• I forget entirely what I did a couple days ago
• I forget what I was saying (writing) as I say it sometimes. It drifts into the cloudy beyond, escaping my articulation.
• I don't forget why I came into a room as much as I used to.

Here's what's better than "before":

• Forgetfulness feels more pleasant. Or less agitating. Thoughts slip away but it doesn't seem that important.
• I deal well with immediacy in general, and as I've remarked before, this is convenient, because baby is all about the importance of that which is in front of me at the moment. Baby is all about the here-and-now. So who cares what I've forgotten about? Baby will clue me in if I've forgotten something he needs.
• I have a reason our culture understands for my memory deficits. How can I articulate how huge this is? No one blames New Mommy for having Fuzz Brain.It's such a relief after being frustrated for years at the fact that only older folks were permitted "senior moments." Younger adults are supposed to have fully cooperative recall-on-demand. I'm now in the know: New Mommy is also forgiven, often with an empathetic sigh.

I've heard from older folks who have always had memory issues like myself that they're at an advantage over their peers because they're more experienced coping with all the name-forgetting and so on. I think I've got the same "advantage" going on now too. A little mush-brain? Not such a looming adversary. Just another grey day at the functioning parade.

Getting to the workout tip 2: Sharing what you're about to do

Another way to get out of my own way on the way to exercising -- Sharing what I'm about to do. Tara neatly addresses this in a recent blog post:

I'm not sure why but it still surprises me when I see things work for myself. Yesterday I was talking to my friend and colleague Becca Colao through IM. During our conversation I mentioned that I was procrastinating about exercising and that I wanted to exercise. With in minutes I got my socks and sneakers on and started exercising. So now I know that as both an ADHD Coach and an adult with ADHD that Sharing Your Goals does work.

She was talking about the strategy of "sharing your goals" from Nancy Ratey's new book, "The Disorganized Mind."  I take the notion of what I'm sharing down a level, because I think goals is a big-picture level, and getting my butt out of the house is a pretty detailed-level kind of thing. I try to think small when I want to exercise RIGHT NOW. So I call it not my goal (which works for some) but rather, just what I'm gonna do. Right now.

I use this strategy a lot. The IM with Tara was one example. I do this with my sister a lot. We use IM, e-mail, or phone. We use it to declare a truce in the internal argument about what to do next, and whether or not to exercise. We use it for other irksome tasks as well, like going through that pile of papers on the desk. Here's an example:

C,
I'm going to go through the !@#$%^&*(?! pile of papers on my desk now. Talk to you after.
-Becca

Becca,
Great!  Talk to you soon!
-C

C,
I did it. I gotta eat now.
-Becca

Becca,
EAT! Tuna is nice.
-C

Thrilling, isn't it? It works! Here's another one:

Becca,
I need to go for a swim but I can't figure out whether to go now or to trim the hedge or refile the things my assistant put in the wrong places or to call the 3 clients I should've called or go to the store.
-C

C,
GET YOUR BAG AND GO TO THE POOL. NOW. then call clients right after.
-Becca

Becca,
I have to call the other 6 people too!
-C

C,
CALL ME FROM THE CAR.
-Becca

Yeah, this is (a) sharing and (b) accountability and (c) designating your brain's driver.

Mine wants some tuna. Moral? Use some synergy. Use some help. Tell someone what your goals are, big or little, particularly when you need to get off your butt right now. We have degrees and stuff, but that doesn't make us smarter than all that! So don't feel silly, or do feel silly, just say it and get it done. Get out the door and get moving.

Getting TO the workout

As promised, some of the ways I get the workout done. This time: getting to the workout. Literally, getting to the workout- that's my strategy.

My job is to get to the door with my gear in hand, or on my body.
That's my job.
That's my only responsibility.

The whole driving-to-the-gym-changing-using-machines-then-the-elliptical-then-stretching-then-showering?
That's my future self's responsibility. Right now, while I'm trying to get my exercise happening? Just get to the door.

Then once I get to the door... well, time to drive to the gym. That's all. Just drive there.
Revise as appropriate for the workout (just walk down the street for your warmup. Just stretch. etc. etc.)

The point is to stop getting in my own way by thinking too much. If I think through the whole workout process, I do it in my head, but somehow I'm still sitting there, thinking about doing it. And talking myself out of it. And back into it. And. back. out. of. it. I'm a one-woman debate team. Debate teams aren't about action. Debate teams don't get me sweating. So I put the interpretation of whether/when/why/where I should work out on hold and just get to the front door.

Learning styles aren't just for kids.

I just found this post over at the about.com ADD blog. It gives a good summary of some basics about learning styles from Rory Stern. Here's my gut reaction/rant: why is this information framed as being about kids?

I know kids are the ones in school. But we all have learning styles and it gives a lot of leverage to understand them. Making it just about kids must push some button for me- I do know that a lot of clients learn a lot (as do I) when they think about what worked when they were students. So rather than go off about that- let me just recommend that anyone think about the way they learn. The post in question talks about auditory, visual, and kinesthetic learning styles. Do you learn by hearing, by seeing, or by doing/feeling physically?

But let me ask it a different way:
Which classes worked for you? Which didn't?
What aspects of those classes' material/teaching style worked or didn't?
When you studied, how did you study best?

And at that point I want you to drop the notion of having one style. The post does say these aren't the only learning styles... so let me broaden it for you. To be fair, this isn't just learning style, but also learning environment, but I think that's equally important.

For example, I read theory best while listening to loud music.
I listen best while doodling.

I learn well kinesthetically, like learning a dance step by doing it, but only in conjunction with reading about it or hearing it described several times. Showing me does nothing.

And not learning- but more a concentration style - I cook best while listening to good radio programs (NPR et al)

Now consider this: if you understand that YOU learn best in certain ways, you'll understand this in your kid, too.