thinkythink

Sweet Music, Warm Laps.

Here's my new favorite album: Sing-a-longs and Lullabies for the Film Curious George, by Jack Johnson.
It's super sweet. It's sweet like the sweetie napping in my lap while it's still playing. This morning was one big fuss-a-thon, including top-of-lungs screaming on attempts to seat in high chair; wailing on attempts to put down so mommy could eat anything at all; attempts to steal oatmeal with nuts in it; crying when put down to crawl while I got dressed even though what you seemed to want was crawling... and now he's napping so sweetly in my lap. Talk about time boxing; this is the very best time to use my computer. I'm not sure if resting one arm on a baby and bending the other one around his head is exactly what the hand therapist meant by "neutral position" but, um, at least I've got a blanky over my cold feet?
As for music that some of you may find sickly sweet, first of all, it's great for dancing with a baby to, and way less sickly sweet than actual made-for-baby music. Second of all, hasn't the world filled its quota of "challenging" and painful experiences? Curl up and enjoy whatever you can enjoy. It's contagious and that's what the world really needs.

Levels of "getting it."

I can't remember if I've written about this here before and I'm too tired to check right now, but I wanted to talk about "levels of getting it." "It" being: how ADHD fits into one's life, one's identity; what ADHD is, how you're going to deal with it, manage it, and in the end, what life looks like now that you have this diagnosis.

As some of you know, I've got a number of things to "get." This is pretty common for people with ADHD. The ADHD diagnosis was the first big layer of an onion, an' we just keep peeling 'em back. I think that's really how the understanding grows; it's not like one day you figure everything out, no matter how much we'd like that to be.

So if you just start with ADHD (we can dig deeper into the onion at another time), you've got the disorder-slash-set-of-character-traits depending on how you want to describe it. Actually, describing it to yourself in various ways is part of what got me to understand its part in my life better and better. But once you've got that on board, there's a lot more involved; it's not just the ADHD as a discrete entity, but how it shaped your life and you understanding of your own character up until now. I think that understanding the entity ADHD in various ways sets the stage to start rewriting your own autobiographical narrative. And then that happens very slowly, as you put together the pieces of what ADHD is with what was going on.  You find it in the class you got yelled at for staring out the window; in where you went to college or didn't; in what job you chose and why you thought you chose it; in whom you befriended,  though it/he/she drove you nuts; in whether you were introspective or outgoing. And on, and on.

Here's a book that I remember touching on the deeper understanding of one's ADHD in a helpful way:

Journeys Through ADDulthood by Sari Solden. Mind you, I didn't pay so much attention to the workbook-like questions at the end of the chapter. Anyone else have comments on this book?

The reason I'm thinking about this right now is because I just got done participating as one of the experts in last week's ADHD Awareness Marathon. It was an opportunity to talk to people in all stages of dealing with and understanding ADHD, and it reminded me how the questions change as you go through life post-diagnosis. In my coaching practice, I work with people who "get it" at the basic level; what ADHD is, how they might manage it with medication, and that sort of thing. They're generally working on more complex issues; does my job/course of study/lifestyle mesh with who I am? How much of my ADHD makes up who I am? How do I want to revise what I'm doing to mesh better, rather than fighting it and attempting to will myself to success? Geez, how much does that willing myself just not work, anyway? But when I'm dealing with the general ADHD public, we start from all kinds of places and basics, and that serves as a good reminder.

ADHD Awareness text chat Friday 10AM EDT

I've been invited to host a live text chat session for the ADHD Awareness Marathon tomorrow at 10:00 AM EDT. So I'd like to invite you to join me; it's free, but you need to register over at www.adhdawareness.org in order to take part!

Well-Oiled Parts?

Recently I posted about structure and the need for flexibility. The thing is, I have a lot to say about this matter.
What I want to tell you about this today is just that there is a lot to say about structure and inattentive issues; about the need for structure and the failing of structure. Rather than cover it all here, I'd like to open up the topic for future elaboration.

What it gets down to is that the books all say we need structure. Structure makes the disarray of an ADHD-inhabited life, um, well-oiled? Okay, I think well-scaffolded is a better analogy. But applying structure willy-nilly can make life feel like a pile of disassembled parts, (though well-oiled and squeak-free parts, if you are to believe my analogy).

Structure and routine are good for adults with ADHD. Good for children with ADHD. By the way, they are good for newborn babies too apparently! That's what the books say. Some of these books are right or well-thought out or useful. But some of this is lacking the nuance that the hyperthinking brain requires...

...And creates. That's part of the issue. If you think fast/a lot/analytically and intelligently, you already know that you can reason your way into/out of, anything. You can do this without realizing you've done it. It may or may not be "self-sabotage." Your reasoning may be sound. Sound reasoning is intelligent, but it doesn't help anyone stick to a routine. Nor does ADHD wiring.

The problem is that all of this thinking into, or out of, the routine you intended to follow, means that you have "failed" to hold to your routine. You came up with perfectly good reasons, not even a stretch at a reason, to not go to bed at "bedtime," exercise, do the to do's on today's list, do your chores, get up off the couch. Yet you are left feeling that you have failed once again. Regardless of how good the reasons were; routine doesn't always take into account your fluctuating energy levels or any other complications.

Inattentive point being:

Setting a structure up doesn't stop us from thinking our way out of it; tricking our way around it; continually thinking about it (and this isn't worry, it's just think) -- it doesn't relax us, it doesn't make us able to focus. Unless it's the right structure.

So that oughta open the topic. What structures have NOT worked for you? Have you experienced structure or routine causing a cascade of thought, rather than keeping you moving along?

ADHD Awareness Marathon

Pause for an Announcement:

I'll be participating in the ADHD Awareness Marathon next week in honor of ADHD Awareness Week. Here's the blurb:

Get your ADD and ADHD questions answered for free during the ADHD Awareness Marathon September 14th-20th.
You will have the choice of submitting your questions by:
    * Telephone
    * Electronic Message Board Forum
    * Chat Room

Learn more at http://www.adhdawareness.org

Must Always Be So Flexible...

As I keep saying, flexible structure. Flexible structure goes with my own health challenges- I can't always predict what I can do, so minimizing the fixed structure is useful- despite what they say about routine and structure being right for people with ADHD.

This is something I've struggled with over and over again. Ad nauseum. It always seems like, if I just had a structure in place, where I knew what I had to do when, it would be so useful. I'd be productive, and the crux of it is that I wouldn't have to make decisions about what to do when. This juggling of possible activities and tasks, and on-the-spot decision-making, is precisely what's hardest when I'm not at my best.

This is particularly hard because I had heard time and time again that people with ADHD need structure. That setting up routines (even if they're hard to stick to) and schedules, bedtimes and mealtimes, alleviates the chaos.

I used to have a regular job; a reasonable one at that. I was working in Europe, where people are expected to be home for dinner with their families, take off when they're ill, and go on vacation several weeks a year. There were a lot of nice things about it, like that regular paycheck and benefits; like the way my day was clearly demarcated into work time, playtime, mealtimes, and so forth. But it didn't fix everything for me at all. True, I could focus on the micro level of how to refine productivity; by writing notes to myself about what I had been working on when I left for lunch, so I'd know where I was on return; like advocating for quiet workspace to get uninterrupted work done (and failing to get it, which is part of why I left).

But the regular job didn't change some of my basic challenges; I have a widely fluctuating energy level, which I now know to be largely hormonally related-- which interacts with my ADD (read: when hormones are kicking my butt, ADHD is kicking my butt too). This left me sitting and staring blankly at my desk and screen for, well, a good chunk of each month. The routine didn't fix that. I was lucky, too, because despite feeling quite ill I generally made it to work. I was lucky because calling in sick quite often isn't a mortal sin in the civilized lands across the Atlantic. But it sucked. And there was no give, no flexibility in that structure. I was paid for being there, and over time rewarded for being productive. I'm not saying that a regular job, or a regular routine, isn't for everyone, I'm just saying it didn't solve my problems.

True, working on my own I have to grapple more with the inattentive hyperthinky process around doing something or not doing it. But I've been able to allow myself the space - to get to know my own cyclical energy and the different ways I can respond to it. And over time, this is what has relieved some of the crazy circles of decision-attempting as to what to do next; it's quieter here and I can step back and notice where I'm at, or where I'm currently capable and incapable.