thinkythink

I'll take it.

Yesterday my husband was getting ready for a work trip. It's rare that he is home with me while our son is elsewhere, but it was a work day for me so the tot was at daycare, hence a rare opportunity for a few quality alone-time moments. Alas, my husband was a bit hyped up, following up on quote requests before leaving the office behind; packing; looking up baggage fees for the airline; finishing some work on a fence he's building; and so on. So when he couldn't sit with me and chat for a few minutes we had this conversation:
Him: I'm sorry. It's just that my mind is racing in a thousand directions right now.
Me:  Oh. Yeah. I kinda feel like that on a daily basis.
Him: I know.

So I realize, he may not get all kinds of girl stuff, like needing to be "understood" or "heard" or  wanting to be hugged RIGHT NOW. But apparently, he gets a fundamental chunk of what it's like to be me. I'll take it.

6 Ways to Quiet Your Hyper Mind

A lot of people talk to me about how their minds are flooded with fast thinking, and then want to know how to make it all just chill out up there. It's just tiring and there's too much going on. Here are some ideas:

1. Occupy your mind intensely.

2. Change your physical state.

3. Check in on your physical, mental, emotional states, and take care of them.

4. Drown out some of it.

5. Identify what's going on: your mind is a speeding flood of thoughts.

6. Watch the flood of thoughts like it is a river you're standing next to.

I'll elaborate in future posts. In the meantime, try these out. But don't worry or judge if they don't work; different things work at different times for different people.

Disaster Preparedness

In an earlier post I said that when other people told me I worried too much I used to think they were right, and get, well, worried. And that now I get annoyed instead, which is an improvement. Nowadays I think about it in terms of how I work. As I said in that post, I know I do best when I have a conceptual framework. That means that I have a kind of mental scaffolding for understanding a situation; I know where to put my thoughts if that makes any sense. So when I think about "worry" and "overthinking," nowadays I think of it more in terms of disaster preparedness.

A couple of years ago, when avian flu was bigtime in the news, I had a bunch of conversations with people about preparing for epidemics / pandemics. Would I have the supplies to hunker down and stay safe? What does that involve? Same with Katrina, got us all thinking about what you would do if you had to evacuate suddenly. These are scary things to think about. I noticed that some people (like the one I live with) thinks that it's kind of overkill to be concerned, or to go through a checklist and buy supplies for these kinds of situations. It can be seen as just overactive worrying if you don't live in active earthquake/flood/fire area, for example. But for others of us, getting prepared is something productive and constructive to do with our concerns. It is a way of taking care of ourselves, not by letting anxiety rule us, but by getting our houses in order.

And once that's done, worry is free to subside. In fact for me, I don't even have to carry out a full preparedness plan; merely understanding what it involves and having a tangible sense of those steps allows me to feel more in charge. You could say that the preparedness information is my conceptual framework. If the proverbial -or actual- dam breaks, I'll be mentally ready; so in the meantime I don't have to be concerned, whether or not I'm thinking about it.

The "in your head" person

From the feedback from my teleseminar last week, it seems like I'm not the only one who gets stuck in her head, though people are starting to say I'm that person who talks about it.

Ok, I knew I wasn't alone, because I've worked with a lot of coaching clients with similar experiences. That's part of what motivates me to write about it; it seems like this is something more people go through. But it is awfully hard to know that by the very nature of this experience, isn't it?

Feeling like you're "in your head" and can't get out of it- and connect to what's going on around you- is isolating. It's lonely. And the trouble is that when you talk to someone who doesn't know what it's like, that feels in some sense even more lonely. Especially when they say winning things like:

• "You're overthinking this."
• "You think too much."
• "Stop worrying."

The last is a favorite of mine, because people say it even when you're not actually worrying, you're just thinking something out. My guess is, that the sheer volume of thought involved makes non-inattentive people think it's all concern or anxiety or worry. Funny thing is, having someone say this makes me a lot more anxious; partly because it really makes it seem like they just do not get what is going on with me. So much so, that it became part of my birth plan before I had my son. (The birth plan actually said something like this: "Do not tell me not to worry. I do not respond well to this. I respond well when you provide information about what's going on." I knew that sometimes I need a conceptual framework in which to rest my understanding, so I can stop - or avoid- worrying. And that if someone tells me to "stop worrying" when I'm trying to put that framework together, I'll get really annoyed and frustrated.
Which is an improvement. I think that up until several years ago,  instead  of getting annoyed and frustrated, I would actually get worried when people said this to me. I would think the other person was right, I was worrying about nothing, my head should just shut up already, and clearly there was something wrong with me. Now there's a way to feel more stressed out. Nowadays I just know that's not how I work, and "reassuring" me by telling me I need not worry just isn't so helpful for me, even if it helps other people.

Deconstructing My Thoughts Ain't Gonna Do It, Folks.

It's happened once again. Someone has told me about how certain techniques were supposed to be good for them and they just seemed to do the opposite.

I think I've held out on talking about this stuff because I'm not an expert, and because there really does seem to be research that tells an opposite story. But instead of waiting until I've read all the science, let me tell you about my experience, because that's pretty real to me.

Long ago, some therapists taught me some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques (CBT). I read a book about it even longer ago. What stuck with me as the gist of it, was that as a way of improving mood/outlook/etc, I could analyze my own thoughts and thought patterns, and see where they were bringing me down unnecessarily. I could learn to see, for example, where I was making guesses about the future that may not be true (and so unnecessarily worrying.) I could see where I was thinking about something as all-or-nothing or black-and-white. I could see where my assumptions about what other people thought about me were mind-reading attempts where that wasn't really possible.
And by applying these techniques to take apart my  negative and sad-inducing thinking, I could make the power of this thinking diminish, and so I could feel better.

Except that I think faster than that.
I reason really fast. And my reasoning may be pretty decent.
My feelings go by at light speed. I may forget that felt bad a minute ago while I'm trying to take apart the cause. That's just confusing.
Or I might find the "reason," like "mind-reading" or "fortune-telling," but in the meantime have reasoned further so that I've either convinced myself that I'm right and the technique is wrong, or I might have just moved on to thinking about something else, all without realizing it, so that the deconstruction just skims some surface I don't even notice is there.
Or more generally, I may feel like I'm battling a vast flame with a thimble of water. Now realize, the flame may not be made up of all NEGATIVE thoughts; there are just so many of them that honing in on one line of thought just doesn't do much for me.

I'd really like to know about the research. And I will add, that in my own experience, things like effective ADHD medication (NOT mood medication) can slow down the thinking enough that techniques like those from CBT may begin to be relevant. Once I was on meds I could say to myself "oh hey! look at that! I'm feeling kinda bummed out!" and then maybe decide to do something about it. This doesn't work for everyone- but it does seem like that basic stage, the thought slow-down, needs to be in place first, not after. And I just wish that the people trying to help me in the past, and who are trying to help you now,  could crawl inside your head and see what they're dealing with. Because if you're standing in front of those rock-and-roll speaker stacks with Guns 'n Roses blaring, a piccolo just isn't going to sound so loud.

You? CBT? Other techniques? Have they worked? Failed you? Let us know in the comments.

Panic Techniques

In college, my astute psychiatrist sent me to learn relaxation techniques.

I had panic attacks during the relaxation exercises. So we stopped.
This lovely man, Ron Gatsik (I mention his name because he was so kind and helpful, and has since passed away) didn't know that I had ADHD; adult ADHD was unknown at the time. He knew that I think too much. And he was pragmatic. The problem with the relaxation exercises, I now can understand, is that the mental chatter just kept going, and I would fight to keep the noise down. I would try to quiet my mind. But I could not. So the chatter that was just tiresome would become irksome and disturbing; I struggled with myself; I felt bad because I couldn't shut up inside; I panicked because I was getting agitated and this was so not supposed to be the result.

That's why I tend to say inattentive folk aren't so much always lacking hyperactivity, it's just that the hyperactivity is internal, mental.

Nowadays I know not to fight for internal quiet. Frankly, the TV works a lot better than the relaxation exercises do on a bad day; and if I try to chill out the internal chatter and it doesn't work, I can just walk away from trying, instead of fighting it.

Three years.

I'm still in my head a lot, and I still think a lot,  but it has gotten much better. At the moment, I'm not on medication for my ADHD because I'm nursing. I stopped taking it when I was trying to get pregnant. One thing that has gotten better is that I don't get as upset about the things I don't do well, or about my hyperactive mind. I let myself off the hook, instead. For example, I don't even try to finish a book I don't get completely hooked into, because it's just too hard, and I have other priorities than creating accommodations for something I don't really need to do. (My child is a much bigger priority, for example. Feeling well is, too.) I am trying to get my head around how I will get my papers cleaned up and filed or thrown out, but I try to step back from it when I get myself worked up about it. If I need to get a check deposited, that actually needs to get done, so let's put our efforts there, collecting deposit slip and envelope and actually getting it to the bank.

It may be that all the mommy-related sleep deprivation keeps me from thinking as much, but I'm not sure and I don't recommend it as an ADHD management strategy. I do know that I know myself a lot better, and that was the beginning of letting myself off the hook. When I was first evaluated for ADHD, the psychologist who diagnosed me said, "now give yourself three years. It takes at least three years to get to know yourself now."

I think that was one of the wisest, most useful pieces of advice I've been given along the way. Knowing about my ADHD has been such an key to understanding my experiences and myself, and integrating that takes quite a while. Every situation, every context, takes on new information and new perspective. The past is rewritten slowly with this information as well, but again, it takes time. In some sense, the period after diagnosis seems a lot like the exploration that happens for most people around the time they might be in college; getting to know your likes, dislikes, limitations, boundaries, what you'll put up with, what you are good at doing, what and who drive you nuts, that sort of thing. These are things that finally started to become clear to me after my diagnosis, and with some medication on board, which helped me to be more aware of what I was experiencing. The diagnosis gave me a whole lot of information, and the medication slowed my thoughts down enough that I could even know what they were. That was the beginning.

Remember the Small Steps

Friday afternoon reminder: Remember the steps that seem itty bitty, because they may actually be big.

I've noticed that for a lot of fast and hyper thinkers, we jump over the little steps in our minds, when the little steps are really what is getting us stuck!
If you're a big time hyperthinker, when you're stuck you might start to think about the deeper motivations and reasons behind what you're trying to do and why you're getting stuck. Do I really want to get this job/make this change/find a new house/take this class?  Do I really want to sign up for this thing, if I can't get the registration in the mail? (Remember, this can apply to smaller to-dos as well.)

It's a funny thing to learn as a coach- it seems counter-intuitive- but I've learned from my experience and from some other wise people, that these big questions aren't always the right ones for the runaway thinkers (whether you have inattentive ADHD or you just think a lot.) Sometimes the big questions only serve to disconnect you more from what you're trying to get done.

Here are some questions that often do help:

#1 How are feeling physically, mentally, emotionally today and lately? Is low energy making it hard to take the steps you mean to? Remember: being mentally tired sometimes means you can keep thinking, but can't direct your attention as well.

#2 What are the steps involved? Have you broken down your project? Take the example of registering for a workshop or the like by mail. Where you may be jumping to thinking about your desire to do it, stop and look at the steps, including filling out a form, finding a stamp, finding your checkbook, finding out your bank balance, finding your calendar and checking for conflicts, asking that one last question... making a copy of the form, going to the post office...

#3 If you have defined the steps, which are getting you hung up? Again a tricky truth: regardless of your smarts and motivation and all that, going to the mailbox might be something that gets in your way. The insidious part about it is that you may not believe that this could be the obstacle- it's supposed to be easy, isn't it? (Not to mention how easy it seems to be to start dumping on yourself for having a hard time with this!) But believe me, I've worked with enough of us to know. I've seen people who are wealthy have their utilities shut off because they suck at getting checks in the mail.

#4 If you haven't defined the steps of either a small or large project, what help do you need in doing that? Are you making this harder than it need be?

#5 IF you're having trouble breaking it down, are you missing something fundamental? One thing people forget all the time is that the first phase of a project is often   research or other exploration. Do you have enough information?

#6 Have you actually made the decisions you need to in order to plan or to move on to the next step? Do you need more information- or is there something else you need to do before moving ahead? Is there a step missing, little or big, seemingly stupid or not? You might have the end in mind but you actually need to know the next piece...

Does this ring familiar, and what examples do you have from your life? Please comment!

Quiet is Hard

It's a quiet and beautiful Monday morning. It feels lovely to wake up, eat breakfast, start the day in the quiet. I'm relishing it except... what do I want to do with my day? Half a dozen options float to the top- from chores to business tasks to exercises I need to do. I've noticed that when the brain is moving at high speed, it's hard to distinguish what's a "priority," and everything competes for equal importance with apparently compelling reasons for each to win out.
This morning is quiet. The notions of urgency don't percolate so high in my mind. Perhaps I'm not fully awake, but it feels pretty good. I don't want the meanness of concern to start barking that I have to get this or that done right away, because that will spoil the peace, especially if it's quiet outside, quiet around the house, no one is determining my course of action for me. It feels a funny balancing act, where I'm trying to keep gliding along and right on into action and activity- without waking the dogs of To Do.

Funny that the urgency has become some familiar to so many of us that it's the only edge we know to get us going, the only traction we trust. While on a morning like this there may be something I've forgotten that I need to rush to do, I think for myself and for many of us, that's not the issue- the issue is feeling a loss without the rush, without the need. We're just not used to getting things done another way...

And please don't get me started here on the idea that we're "addicted to adrenaline," because for myself and many people I work with, this is not what we're talking about at all. It's only about finding the thing that points our efforts in a specific direction.

Traffic random happy thought

Sometimes I surprise myself and get so happy driving, thinking, we're all actually working together here on the road, and for the most part, we don't smash into each other. I hate how many accidents they are. But how crazy is it that we are able to share a highway at 75 mph at all?