thinkythink

Having a "Where Do I Start?" Moment

I just recently hired a babysitter so I can get more work done. So now I have to remember how to get some work done! That's what I call a "Where Do I Start?" moment. Because one of the things that is so very special about my ADHD- and many of my clients- is that we first have to remember what we wanted to do, but more than that, we have to remember which system we were using to remember what to do. And then, every so often, we have to tweak our systems.

For the last few months, I suppose since my little one has become mobile, my work has been extremely focused: client calls. Take care of clients (check-in by email and Google chat; make sure they've scheduled and all that); write a blog post when I get a moment. Before Gabriel was crawling around like gangbusters, my husband could do work at home WHILE I did work at home. Then it changed; one of us could do work, and the other one had to pay full attention to the baby. Not just occasional or fleeting attention. We're fortunate that our child is really happy playing by himself as long as you're around him. We don't have to sit next to him and show him a toy or talk to him constantly, so for a few meager blocks of time each week, it worked fine to take turns taking care of him while we both got something done.

Now, Gabriel tries to eat the laptop if you use it in the same room with him. Then, he removes the power cord if it's plugged in and tries to eat that. Once you've hidden the cord, then he comes over when you least expect it- OK, not true, I always expect it- but when you're hoping to send a REALLY QUICK email and gets some typing practice in. He has sent off a bunch of emails for me prematurely, and possibly concluding abruptly in something like LKJHHkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk55555566. If you get and email like that from me, consider that to mean "Love, Gabriel."

Point being that our general system for Becca getting work done had to change, so we hired a babysitter who hangs out with him while I work.

And now I have a desk that I have the opportunity to clear for the first time in a very long time.
And I have the opportunity to make extra phone calls.
And work on my pretty darn old website and bring it into the late oughts.
And I can do a little bit of work aside from the individual client stuff.

But what did I want to do right now? This morning? That takes a slow kind of remembering. First, I start to remember that in the land of inattentive, my mind is slow to warm up when it comes to remembering where I was at. Then, as I start to remember the steps I was going to take, I also start to remember whether I'm working from a list. Then, start to think about how I want to start keeping these lists because there was no need for one when I had no time to work off of it!

This is also an ideal moment to update that particular system. I'm basically starting fresh and in fact, a lot about how I work has changed- both since I had a baby and since he started self-propelling. And, so, we're off and thinking about where to keep a list and what is useful to list; how to remember where the list is; and how to get myself shifted to work and started with work as seamlessly as possible even if I am a little sleepy.

Right now, I think I'll clear my desk a little tiny bit while I clear my head on this topic.

I forgot what I was going to post about

I had a little bit of a breakdown the other day. I had the intention of posting several times a week, and I couldn't think of anything to write about. It felt like a writer's block kinda thing, if I thought of myself as a writer. But I know that in all creative pursuits, it's best to just keep on keeping on- ok that holds for other pursuits as well, maybe anything with a goal. It's best to sit down and just write something to keep it going, keep the writing primed in the mind. But I don't want to just publish anything, even if I don't have illusions that what I'm putting out is some kind of earth-shattering work of literature; I don't want to dump any old crap out there. This didn't really help my sense of frustration. I had to get to the bottom of something...
And in those moments, talking to someone about what's going on is helpful. Some call this verbal processing, where you figure out what you need to know and do and clarify by conversing. I might say for me at times it's more of a research expedition, and now is one of those times. I have to fling frustrations at my sweetheart husband's ears in order to blurt out that
#1 I wrote a list the other day of some topics I needed to cover in writing- online or not, just the stuff I aim to capture specifically about the inattentive experience.
#2 The cat peed on the list.
#3 Sticking to that list isn't going to keep me writing, it's stuff to cover, but this blog has several themes I work back and forth from. The themes are getting progressively distilled, but linear writing, as though I started with a book outline and wrote only from there, just dumps all of how I am out the window. I have to have some choices and some spontaneity, especially if I want to get the experience set out there.
#4 I forgot about number 3. That was stopping me. I thought I had to write only from one predetermined list. "Had to" means "decided to."  In other words, I forgot that I had not decided that I should only write from my scrawled-out and peed-on list.

#5 I'd already written a post. Yesterday. In my head. I forget what it was about. I forgot that I had it in my head.

#6 Come to think of it, I've written a bunch in my head lately. I forgot that this was happening. I forgot what they were about. The cat peed on my brain.

#7 Something else has changed... I am not able to grab the laptop and write stuff down for a few minutes. What's changed? Apparently it's not my number or type of ideas, but rather my ability to get them typed up before the disintegrate into the background mental noise again.

So what's changed?

#1 I feel like I'm more tired, which might be true, but I can't be more sleep deprived than when my babe was a newborn.

#2 I feel like I'm forgetting more. That is possible but I'm not so sure.

#3 Dearest baby G. is crawling. I can't sit on the couch and watch him play on the floor anymore. I could for a while. That meant I could grab the laptop and get this: type my ideas. I had simplified systems, emailing myself stuff I needed to remember, for example. And typing blog entries, at least in draft mode, very quickly. Or emailing those ideas to someone. Now, no sooner have I commenced typing that someone has turbo-crawled to the couch, pulled himself to standing, and I find little fingers wiggling all over the keyboard and jaws descending upon the monitor. Laptop closes, hurries back to its currently safe location, with cord tucked behind the cabinet.

I guess it wasn't writer's block after all.

There are some downsides to the immediacy of our information culture, but a definite upside is the ability to express an idea in a tiny little precious bit of time available. I guess it's time to adjust my strategy, though. If parenting is teaching me anything, with emphasis on the present tense because I'm surely no expert, it's how to find grace in flexibility. Rapid flexibility.

I just remembered, he's due for a nap

I was going to entitle this post "working at home with baby," because this morning, my husband and I are both working from home. I work a few partial days per week, while Peter "works" from home. He's the primary go-to parent during those times, and I can schedule clients, but I can also take a break with the baby, nurse him, etc, if I want to.

Now little G. is 6 1/2 months old. That's old enough to entertain himself for a while, if he is so inclined, with toys he can reach for from his recently-achieved sitting stability. So exciting! He can entertain himself! A taste of... being able to hang out with him while doing a little bit of work. Just a tiny tip-of-the-tongue taste, because he is just as likely to want attention, be bounced on a knee, talked to, or rescued from toppling over.

[note: both of us love hanging out with baby and playing. we're just trying to get a thing. or a quarter of a thing done periodically.]

So while I have a brief yet exciting window to do some writing before my next client call, and Peter hopes limply  that he'll finish a desperately needed e-mail, our wee one hangs out in his high chair. And starts to fuss right away. Then I remember the time. No, not the time it is with respect to client scheduling, but the Baby time. It must be baby naptime by now. We both completely forgot about that part. Funny, since it could provide us with glorious e-mailing possibilities. Then again, both of our abilities to forget, say, to eat; my ability to forget I'm in the shower (hence forgetting to get out), and so forth- why am I surprised? Perhaps because the baby spoils me with needed external structure; I can't forget to get out of the shower (he'll fuss); I can forget to eat I suppose, but I've grown used to taking full advantage of the moments he'll let me eat. But one thing he doesn't do is say "hey mom, dad, it's naptime." I need to remember on my very own to run down the list in my head of things-baby-might-fuss-about, and remember all the things on it. And I must remember my list of things-baby-needs in my head. That part? Not so genetically automatic.

Baby Memory

I have memory deficits (as part of my ADHD, and possibly part of my hormonal crap in general.) "In general" being before I was pregnant. 
Mommies are supposed to have "mommy brain," that is they're forgetful. Once the postpartum hormones are equibrilated, this is largely due to sleep deprivation, one would assume. I have the foggy mommy brain, but then I had memory problems before, but it's definitely a bit different.

I'm not sure if my working memory is better or worse with a little baby. Here's what I've noticed:

• I forget entirely what I did a couple days ago
• I forget what I was saying (writing) as I say it sometimes. It drifts into the cloudy beyond, escaping my articulation.
• I don't forget why I came into a room as much as I used to.

Here's what's better than "before":

• Forgetfulness feels more pleasant. Or less agitating. Thoughts slip away but it doesn't seem that important.
• I deal well with immediacy in general, and as I've remarked before, this is convenient, because baby is all about the importance of that which is in front of me at the moment. Baby is all about the here-and-now. So who cares what I've forgotten about? Baby will clue me in if I've forgotten something he needs.
• I have a reason our culture understands for my memory deficits. How can I articulate how huge this is? No one blames New Mommy for having Fuzz Brain.It's such a relief after being frustrated for years at the fact that only older folks were permitted "senior moments." Younger adults are supposed to have fully cooperative recall-on-demand. I'm now in the know: New Mommy is also forgiven, often with an empathetic sigh.

I've heard from older folks who have always had memory issues like myself that they're at an advantage over their peers because they're more experienced coping with all the name-forgetting and so on. I think I've got the same "advantage" going on now too. A little mush-brain? Not such a looming adversary. Just another grey day at the functioning parade.