thinkythink

Loyal (or otherwise) readers, I haven't forgotten about you. I've simply entered a phase of my two young sons' lives that I can only call ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

While I get that straightened out (along with a little more childcare so I can write, which is harder to do with a six-month-old than a newborn), I wanted to let you know I'm offering a free teleseminar next Tuesday (if you register you can listen after the fact for a period of time) over at ADD Classes. It's called "Strategies for Building Stronger Connections," and you can will sign up here: http://www.addclasses.com/course/category.php?id=13 

I'll be answering questions which you submit in advance after you register (there's a web form) and by a day or two before. See you over there!

Some ways to connect with people

 Following up on my last post, where I talked about some of the difficulties people with ADHD have in making friends, I wanted to mention some ways I have seen that can work well to build friendships and community.

• Clubs. I joined and attended a Toastmasters club for several years. I didn't become close friends with a lot of members, but I got to know people and enjoyed their company while I was there. As a bonus, because it is a public speaking club, I got more comfortable talking with people by going!
• Neighborhood groups. I started an email list for people in my neighborhood and then started having some casual get-togethers. Starting groups like that by email makes it a little easier. You don't have to be majorly outgoing to get to know people
• Moms/parents groups. Unfair advantage when you are a parent.
• Sports groups. They dont have to be team sports, I find often people with ADHD do well in groups for runners or swimmers or triathletes or other individual sports
• Dancing- kind of fits under sports, but  I have found several people I've worked with have done great with the social structure and environment- and the fun- of swing dancing, or other forms of dance. 

These are just some thoughts. It is worth it to find community. What has worked for you?

ADHD and difficulty making friends #3

3. People with ADHD have difficulty knowing or remembering relevant boundaries in relationships. It is much harder to have a good relationship with someone if you forget or don't realize (or impulsively ignore) that you don't want to share certain personal information with them. Also related to this is the fact that not everyone needs to know everything about us and we don't have to connect on every level to everyone. It is ok to make distinctions based on the kind of relationship. This makes it a lot easier to like people and for them to connect to you without either person being overwhelmed.

I feel like there is a lot more to say here, but these are some of the points that have come up a lot in my coaching work. It is possible to have good relationships when we don't expect them all to work the same way and we have some good self-awareness in our social lives.

ADHD and difficulty making friends #2

Continuing on from Sunday's post, here is my second point on ADHD and difficulty making friends:

2. People with ADHD seem to have difficulty making the distinction between different kinds of relationships.  I think our culture at the moment makes this harder on us as well because we tend to lack community in our everyday lives.  If you don't have a strong neighborhood, extended family, and other group such as club or church  or whatnot, it is hard to experience having a rich community of people with whom you have meaningful ties- even if they are NOT your closest friends. I think that people with ADHD can do well to remember that when they get to know people, they may become close friends OR casual friends OR friends with something in common but not best friends. What you share in each kind of relationship is different.

It is OK to have few close friends, and to enjoy acquaintances or less-close friends and have an ongoing relationship with these folks without their needing to be closer. Again, a hard thing to remember for many people with ADHD.

I do want to stress that at the same time it is important to know what kind of groups of people you enjoy being part of. If you get antsy or annoyed in certain settings or types of organization, that is not where you will develop community successfully. That is about fit between you and the organization; not about the people in it necessarily (though that can also be a factor). Of course that is yet another discussion.

More in the next post.

ADHD and difficulty making friends

I have been reading a really long discussion thread on www.womenwithadhd.com about the difficulty people (ok, in this case women) with adhd feel they have making friends. It reminded me of discussions I have had with coaching clients over the years and with the things I have learned myself about this topic. I wanted to note a few of these. I will start with one point today:

#1 People with ADHD seem to have difficulty learning about/remember the different phases of getting to know people. Once in a while, you might come across someone with whom it just clicks immediately and presto, you are bestest chums. But with most people, getting to know them is somewhat like dating; first you learn a bit about each other, and see if there is friend chemistry, if there is anything in common, and from there, what kind of connection would you like to have? Are there activities or interests in common? What kind of time do you want to spend with this person or is it just nice talking to them at first? Just as in project planning and other areas, it is like people with ADHD forget about the different phases involved and need to consciously break them down.

More in the next post...